Flaws

A flaw is defined as a feature that mars the perfection of something. I am not talking about physical flaws... sure, physical flaws suck but your physical appearance is always changing- I am talking about flaws that are so rooted in you that in the end bring you the most anguish you could ever imagine.

However, I am beginning to believe that Jesus does not see them as flaws, but instead as pieces of our souls that He placed in our life because He knows that each flaw will bring us closer together and grow my own faith stronger.

It is not a secret that I struggle with anxiety. I have since I was about a sophomore in high school, and it comes out in different ways. Most of the time however, it comes out on those that I care about the most. I believe that this anxiety comes out because I am scared to lose them. Scared that I am not good enough for them to stick around, and that I do not deserve to be happy with them. With these thoughts, that I am perfectly able to capture, I instead let wreak havoc upon my heart and mind- and then the thoughts leave my mouth. Bringing pain to those whom I care deeply about. Why does this happen? What triggers it? Why can't I just stop it?

I obviously don't mean the things I say.

I want to take them back.

It is not me speaking. It is the anxiety.

I feel helpless underneath the burden of anxiety.

I am a SECURE woman of God- with JESUS CHRIST on my side, I have no reason to succumb to the evils of Satan.

Then Jesus, when I am- Broken. Torn. Crushed. Downtrodden. Alone. Weak.  Comes in and swoops me off my feet. Like the Knight in shining armor I need at that exact moment. I feel Him dry my tears and hold me in His arms; fighting off Satan and negativity while still healing my heart and redeeming me. He holds me until my heart has stopped racing and the fears have subsided. Then He picks me up and asks me why I have doubted Him, He has never let me down before. At this point of brokenness, I realize that the Lord wants me to use my anxiety to grow closer to Him. He uses it to remind me that I need to live in the present. Live in the NOW. Never faltering to trust in His RIGHTEOUS and HOLY plans. There is no need. No need to worry because....

He is PERFECT.

He is SOVEREIGN.

He is JUST.

And He care specifically for ME.

So these flaws that we have- that impact our lives and that make you feel like they inhibit us from living, indeed do not. They just make us live more intentionally. Not seeking for a feeling of perfection that can never be attained, but walking with the Lord, basking in HIS perfection.

He will never let you fall, no matter how flawed and unworthy you believe you are.

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to HIS purpose." Romans 8:28

Thinspiration

Earlier this year, I had mono- it basically was the worst thing ever. Always tired, sore throat, no motivation, and worst of all... I couldn't exercise or do anything active until it was completely gone. This was for the fear that my spleen would explode upon intense exercise because then I would, well, die. Weeks passed, and then weeks turned into months and then finally I was able to be active.

There I was thinking back on all the Taco Bell, frozen yogurt, and frapps I had consumed before I got on the scale.... and to my demise I had gained a whole 10 pounds. Yes, that may not seem like a lot, but trust me I could tell exactly where it was on my body.

I felt disgusting- fat, bloated, overweight, chubby, and overall gross. What made this even harder was the fact that living in Southern California meant that I would be at the beach for the next few weekends. Some days when we had made plans to put on those teeny, tiny bikinis and head to the beach I didn't even want to go, for the fear of how I would look compared to my gorgeous, could be models, friends. It was an awful, empty feeling. (Which I know now was only from Satan.)

I returned back to Washington with my confidence complete with Swiss cheese type holes all over, determined to get fit. I found out quickly that mono has lingering effects of fatigue that can inhibit your drive and will to exercise. So, I thought that a way to increase this sense of motivation would be to look at other girls on the addictive site of "Pinterest" and other fitness blogs to try and jump start my routine. Soon, I discovered the saying, "Thinspiration," on the blogosphere and was fascinated by groups of pictures comprised by different women with the hope that by looking and comparing themselves to airbrushed and stick thin models this would then increase their chances of dropping 20 lbs and build up a healthy amount of self-esteem. I found it to almost be a cult following! Even I was interested, until I realized the depth of the psychological issues that came with pouring over thinspiration blogs....

Here are some pictures I found under the topic of Thinspiration:

After seeing these, this is when I knew I needed to stop feeding into the obsession of being thin, and rather into a healthier goal- meaning getting healthy.

However, as I started creating a healthier lifestyle, I thought of something... Instead of looking for thin-spiration, or fit-spiration, why don't I pursue God-spiration with as much zeal? Instead of focusing on such a shallow and sad goal, I could be fixing my eyes towards Christ pursuing something that is eternal. My body will never be perfect, no matter how many sit ups or lunges I do; there will always be something. However, Christ sees me as something that is perfect, untainted, and made in His image.

Rather than focusing my attention on outward appearance, I now strive to live a more Christ-like life... getting inspired by God's Word instead of models who need to eat a Chipotle burrito. What is the point of pursuing something so fleeting when we are saved by the Son of God and are given eternal life?

If you have any God-spiration for me... send it my way!

Taming my Tongue

Some think it is endearing, refreshing, and sassy- others see it as something that needs to be tamed, toned, and even silenced.

All in all, I have a notorious mouth. In some relationships I am defined by my lack of filter when it comes to my mouth and the things that I say. I am not afraid to say what is on my mind or ruffle feathers with my opinion. Some appreciate this honesty while some do not. My ability to 'say it like it is' is even sometimes referred to as a Courtney-ism. And I am writing tonight, saying that I hate it.

If we are being honest, I wish I could be silent, or at least very shy- too afraid to speak. Not mute, but have some sort of tact. It is difficult knowing what to say at the right time, and then being caught completely off-guard when something you say is taken out of context and then there are consequences for your own words. I have realized over time that I have the innate ability to get myself into trouble when I open my mouth. Even when things are said without ill-motives, words hurt. It sometimes even makes me think the saying "better to be seen and not heard" has some truth to it.

In the book of James, the tongue is discussed as a member that can stain the entire rest of the body; it has the ability to taint everything. In James 3:8 it says, "But no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison."

Where is the balance between silence and outspokenness? Can you still have a personality without expressing your opinions and being cautious with what comes out of your mouth?

Who knows, all I know is that I need to pray. Desperately.

Comparisons

The word that popped into my head when I was thinking about what I wanted to write about tonight was the word comparison. As I began to dwell upon this subject, the word prototype, then came into mind. I took a test on this the other day, and it is defined as the "model" for something, or the "ideal" of a certain object. We have prototypes in our society, and within the standard of what we deem acceptable. The prototype I am talking about tonight is the prototype of "beautiful." Where do these prototypes come from, and who is to blame?

I am not sure when I began to compare myself to the girls around me- but I know I have always struggled with it. I went to junior high and high school in a very competitive environment, in a small private school, where cliques were discouraged but were unavoidably created. I was awkward in 7th grade. Super awkward. But then, BAM, one day boys started looking at me in the 8th grade and I instantly became popular. I think that's truly when I began "comparing" myself to other girls. I was completely oblivious when it came to make-up, so at 13 I smothered thick, pink creme eye shadow from Bath and Body Works all over my eyelids and underneath my unruly and untamed eyebrows. I knew I didn't fit in, but for some reason people accepted me.

Next, I entered high school. I grew in prowess as older boys became intereted in me, and both my hair and legs grew longer. Still with the older boy on my arm, I doubted myself and my self-worth. I compared myself to my beautiful, brilliant best friends, and to the students around me. By the end of high school I was a pile of nerves. I was always thinking that someone was more beautiful, talented, or more popular than I, and soon I would be of little to no interest to anyone that saw me as wonderful now.

These thoughts continued and continued, and by the time it reached time for me to leave for Biola, I had little confidence in myself and who I was as a woman of God. Have you ever been to Southern California? The land of the beautiful, lean, and tan. Los Angeles. Beverly Hills. Hollywood. San Diego. Newport Beach. Orange County. The beautiful people dwell here, and I believe this is where we get our prototype of what a beautiful woman is. Southern California is nothing like Redmond, Washington. A hoodie and converse are traded for a skirt and heels, and a ponytail is traded for extensions. Even though Biola is somewhat of a bubble, away from the wealth and shallowness that money brings, Satan seeps in through the cracks to infect our little campus. Being surronded by these beautiful, creative, and unique individuals the act of comparing myself did not get any better-but worse. I felt like I didn't fit in. Here I was leaving my dorm in jeans, Toms, and a fresh face with barely any makeup, while the girl that was right in front of me looked flawless in a dress with curls in her hair and matching heels. I know myself, and I cannot do that. Eventually the novelty of this magical land where the sun always shines wears off, and the reality of the broken society that surronds you becomes much more evident.

We all have one. I know you do. Someone that you compare yourself too, or wish that you could look a little bit more like. Because they are a bit more fit than you, or maybe have skin that is a little more clear than yours. Or maybe, sometimes in my case, you are a bit envious of their clothes. I'll be open and honest with you all, the women I compare myself to are Kristen Bell and Sophia Bush. Crazy right? Most definitely. Gosh, I would kill for Sophia Bush's body or Kristen Bell's hair... but what am I saying when I say something like that? That the body that God blessed me with, or the hairs that God placed individually on my head are not suitable? Or that His Creation is not something to be thankful for, or to praise Him for?

Luckily for me, I am blessed with a man who thinks I am beautiful just the way I am, and would not change a thing about me. Because that would mean that I wasn't Courtney Carney Wallis. When I am unhappy with myself, I insult God's Almighty hands that shaped me and molded me. My journey is still occuring, but everyday, I become more fierce and steadfast- and more confident in who I am as a beautiful woman of Christ.

Christ is our great Reedemer, Truth, and Everlasting Peace. If we try to find joy in things that are not from him, we will come up empty and dry. We can not root our self-worth and confidence in things of this world. These prototypes are always changing, and what is considered beautiful or worthy of "praise" in the world's eyes, could change on a dime. Jesus Christ is our constant. And should be the only true prototype that is the guiding compass for how we view ourselves.

Watch this video - maybe these feelings of inadequecy and comparisons, started way before I entered my awkward years of junior high. This breaks my heart.

Now...Christ-centered women seeking the Lord's heart... Can we break down the lies that are told to women and to young girls? Can we destroy an industry that is built upon lies and insecurities? The reason this industry is thriving is because of our constant feelings of doubt in our appearances and worth. Let's stop this. Let's be a force that redefines beauty. Redefines the prototype for a strong, Christ-like woman.

What does this particular woman look like to you? A woman that seeks approval from man, or from her Lord?

Re-Blogged

I have been so busy and stressed, so I have had no time to sit down and write something memorable. I wrote this about a year ago. I hope it touches you in some way. This is written for every woman that has ever felt less beautiful than they actually are, which is indeed perfect, and created in God's own image.

So, I have just gotten out of the shower and while I was getting into my pajamas, I began to look at myself in the mirror. Bare, clean, and washed away of the world's impurities. However, as I am standing here in front of the mirror, all I can see are things I want to change. I immediately felt guilty for the food I ate that day thinking to myself about how I need to keep my "smokin bod" (phrase coined by gladys bonnema) or how I wish my hair was different, my eyelashes longer, or even my lips fuller. A little while after these thoughts of self-pity took over my mind, the Lord spoke to me, and I was instantly convicted. Immediately I could feel my heart become heavy as the Lord shared His anguish with me, trying to make me understand that He had made me beautifully and wonderfully and I am who I am for a reason.

The way our world depicts beauty has been incredibly construed. We see celebrites and models in magaizines, billboards, and in movies clad in skimpy clothing, with flawless makeup, and toned bodies. As women, we become envious of the things we do not have. But why? When we have God's love and His promise that he will lead us to great things, what more could we want? What is the point of wishing we had Lauren Conrad's tan, Vanessa Hudgens' hair, or Blake Lively's body? We have something that is so much more amazing and intriguing than those things, an inner beauty that will forever surpass the things of this world, and of our physical bodies. We have the light of Christ shining from within us. Our inner beauty is unmatchable, unique and something worldly beauty can never match. Why would we want to give that up or belittle the beauty the radiates from within?

As women of Christ we need to remember that our identity is not of this world. The media tells us one thing, when our heart tells us another. One day when we meet the man we are supposed to be with we want him to be captivated by the love we have for Christ, not by how flawless our eye makeup is. He will be able to sense the immense love you have for your Savior and will be intoxicated with your spirit and your heart, versus your outer appearance. So, what is the point of trying to change yourself when the Lord has already created a man that is going to think you are the most beautiful woman in the world?

The Lord created us all beautifully and uniquely with a plan for each of us. None of us are the same, and this was His purpose in creating all of us women. Shall we now pursue heavenly and Godly beauty. And instead of trying to change our outer appearance why don't we try and model our hearts like Christ's heart? We should change ourselves into more Christ-like women, rather than changing ourselves into some form of beauty the world would like us to believe is 'true beauty.' When we know that 'true beauty' only resides in Christ.

Never doubt yourself or believe that you are not good enough. The internal struggle of inadequecy will always plague women of our day in this fallen world, but why should we let Satan win? I will be praying for you all that you will not struggle with insecurities or feelings of low self-worth, because then Satan wins. Let us women of Christ influence this world, and break this cycle of shallow beauty. May we impact the world for Jesus, and with a gentle spirit and Christ-like beauty show every girl and woman that they are special and deserve the greatest love of all; the love of Jesus Christ.

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." 1 Peter 3:3-4

Forever Yours,
Courtney

Drowning

Do you ever feel like you are drowning? Not in the literal sense, but in the figurative sense- for example, are you having a tough time staying above all and on top of every one of your commitments and obligations? I have had mono since February 12th, so multiply that drowning feeling by about ten. There is so much to do, but so little time- or in my case, so little energy. It is hard not to feel bogged down, discouraged, or just plain lazy. I am continually apologizing for having mono because I feel as if I am burden to everyone, or that I am letting people down constantly. I know this is not the case, but when you are in this mentality, it is difficult to shake.

Being a dedicated student, daughter, friend, and girlfriend, you want to take on as much of other people's problems and situations as you can, because you want to spare them pain because you love and care for them. Andrew, my boyfriend, always tells me that I have such a big heart and care for others almost to a fault, where I put others before myself, not being selfish for my own needs and wants. But I feel as if I am letting people down just because I cannot do that right now. By not being a friend that is constantly available and on my "A" game persay, it is making me emotional and drained, unfortunately. I have no energy even to do the most menial of tasks, like my homework. I look around at my peers who seem to have it all together, and I feel like I am lacking some sort of drive or motivation.

To feel lost in a sea of anxiety and worry is not from God. I know that. I need to surrender my illness, and my worries to him, but believing I am super-friend, super-student, super-daughter, and super-girlfriend I am not willing to have anyone at all help me. Even if it is the Almighty, my Savior- my CREATOR! Everything works together for the Lord's purposes, and I know that Christ does not wish ill for me, or pain, but merely wishes peace and relinquished anxiety for my heart, soul, and body.

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

Beauty: Part 1

This is beautiful to me. Taken by my lovely roommate, Gwenyth Mahurin.

Beauty is defined as, the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations. How does this resonate with your definition of beauty?
I have decided that I am going to be doing a 3 part blog about beauty. God has really put it on my heart lately to evaluate what beauty means to me, how to be beautiful in Christ, and where true beauty actually comes from. Being beautiful does not mean the latest fashions in clothes and makeup, but in turn, it comes from within. What does it mean to be a woman after God's own heart? And, for those single women, how do you find a man who seeks a woman who radiates beauty from the inside out, and who flees from women that go to great lengths in vain to be beautiful.
I have asked both men and women that are close to me to define what beauty means to them, and I have gotten some interesting responses back from these individuals. In the coming days, you will be able to see what real young men and women say about what they think it means to be beautiful. In a world that is supposedly so shallow, there were some pretty profound and deep and answers. Also, all of these answers were not taken from JUST Biola students.
Ask yourself, would you rather be a Proverbs 31:30, "Charm is decietful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised," woman of God, or would you rather be a Victoria's Secret model? Lusted after by men, and have bodies that are coveted by women all over the world. The choice is yours in how you portray and view yourself.