Flaws

A flaw is defined as a feature that mars the perfection of something. I am not talking about physical flaws... sure, physical flaws suck but your physical appearance is always changing- I am talking about flaws that are so rooted in you that in the end bring you the most anguish you could ever imagine.

However, I am beginning to believe that Jesus does not see them as flaws, but instead as pieces of our souls that He placed in our life because He knows that each flaw will bring us closer together and grow my own faith stronger.

It is not a secret that I struggle with anxiety. I have since I was about a sophomore in high school, and it comes out in different ways. Most of the time however, it comes out on those that I care about the most. I believe that this anxiety comes out because I am scared to lose them. Scared that I am not good enough for them to stick around, and that I do not deserve to be happy with them. With these thoughts, that I am perfectly able to capture, I instead let wreak havoc upon my heart and mind- and then the thoughts leave my mouth. Bringing pain to those whom I care deeply about. Why does this happen? What triggers it? Why can't I just stop it?

I obviously don't mean the things I say.

I want to take them back.

It is not me speaking. It is the anxiety.

I feel helpless underneath the burden of anxiety.

I am a SECURE woman of God- with JESUS CHRIST on my side, I have no reason to succumb to the evils of Satan.

Then Jesus, when I am- Broken. Torn. Crushed. Downtrodden. Alone. Weak.  Comes in and swoops me off my feet. Like the Knight in shining armor I need at that exact moment. I feel Him dry my tears and hold me in His arms; fighting off Satan and negativity while still healing my heart and redeeming me. He holds me until my heart has stopped racing and the fears have subsided. Then He picks me up and asks me why I have doubted Him, He has never let me down before. At this point of brokenness, I realize that the Lord wants me to use my anxiety to grow closer to Him. He uses it to remind me that I need to live in the present. Live in the NOW. Never faltering to trust in His RIGHTEOUS and HOLY plans. There is no need. No need to worry because....

He is PERFECT.

He is SOVEREIGN.

He is JUST.

And He care specifically for ME.

So these flaws that we have- that impact our lives and that make you feel like they inhibit us from living, indeed do not. They just make us live more intentionally. Not seeking for a feeling of perfection that can never be attained, but walking with the Lord, basking in HIS perfection.

He will never let you fall, no matter how flawed and unworthy you believe you are.

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to HIS purpose." Romans 8:28

Thinspiration

Earlier this year, I had mono- it basically was the worst thing ever. Always tired, sore throat, no motivation, and worst of all... I couldn't exercise or do anything active until it was completely gone. This was for the fear that my spleen would explode upon intense exercise because then I would, well, die. Weeks passed, and then weeks turned into months and then finally I was able to be active.

There I was thinking back on all the Taco Bell, frozen yogurt, and frapps I had consumed before I got on the scale.... and to my demise I had gained a whole 10 pounds. Yes, that may not seem like a lot, but trust me I could tell exactly where it was on my body.

I felt disgusting- fat, bloated, overweight, chubby, and overall gross. What made this even harder was the fact that living in Southern California meant that I would be at the beach for the next few weekends. Some days when we had made plans to put on those teeny, tiny bikinis and head to the beach I didn't even want to go, for the fear of how I would look compared to my gorgeous, could be models, friends. It was an awful, empty feeling. (Which I know now was only from Satan.)

I returned back to Washington with my confidence complete with Swiss cheese type holes all over, determined to get fit. I found out quickly that mono has lingering effects of fatigue that can inhibit your drive and will to exercise. So, I thought that a way to increase this sense of motivation would be to look at other girls on the addictive site of "Pinterest" and other fitness blogs to try and jump start my routine. Soon, I discovered the saying, "Thinspiration," on the blogosphere and was fascinated by groups of pictures comprised by different women with the hope that by looking and comparing themselves to airbrushed and stick thin models this would then increase their chances of dropping 20 lbs and build up a healthy amount of self-esteem. I found it to almost be a cult following! Even I was interested, until I realized the depth of the psychological issues that came with pouring over thinspiration blogs....

Here are some pictures I found under the topic of Thinspiration:

After seeing these, this is when I knew I needed to stop feeding into the obsession of being thin, and rather into a healthier goal- meaning getting healthy.

However, as I started creating a healthier lifestyle, I thought of something... Instead of looking for thin-spiration, or fit-spiration, why don't I pursue God-spiration with as much zeal? Instead of focusing on such a shallow and sad goal, I could be fixing my eyes towards Christ pursuing something that is eternal. My body will never be perfect, no matter how many sit ups or lunges I do; there will always be something. However, Christ sees me as something that is perfect, untainted, and made in His image.

Rather than focusing my attention on outward appearance, I now strive to live a more Christ-like life... getting inspired by God's Word instead of models who need to eat a Chipotle burrito. What is the point of pursuing something so fleeting when we are saved by the Son of God and are given eternal life?

If you have any God-spiration for me... send it my way!

Taming my Tongue

Some think it is endearing, refreshing, and sassy- others see it as something that needs to be tamed, toned, and even silenced.

All in all, I have a notorious mouth. In some relationships I am defined by my lack of filter when it comes to my mouth and the things that I say. I am not afraid to say what is on my mind or ruffle feathers with my opinion. Some appreciate this honesty while some do not. My ability to 'say it like it is' is even sometimes referred to as a Courtney-ism. And I am writing tonight, saying that I hate it.

If we are being honest, I wish I could be silent, or at least very shy- too afraid to speak. Not mute, but have some sort of tact. It is difficult knowing what to say at the right time, and then being caught completely off-guard when something you say is taken out of context and then there are consequences for your own words. I have realized over time that I have the innate ability to get myself into trouble when I open my mouth. Even when things are said without ill-motives, words hurt. It sometimes even makes me think the saying "better to be seen and not heard" has some truth to it.

In the book of James, the tongue is discussed as a member that can stain the entire rest of the body; it has the ability to taint everything. In James 3:8 it says, "But no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison."

Where is the balance between silence and outspokenness? Can you still have a personality without expressing your opinions and being cautious with what comes out of your mouth?

Who knows, all I know is that I need to pray. Desperately.