Comparisons

The word that popped into my head when I was thinking about what I wanted to write about tonight was the word comparison. As I began to dwell upon this subject, the word prototype, then came into mind. I took a test on this the other day, and it is defined as the "model" for something, or the "ideal" of a certain object. We have prototypes in our society, and within the standard of what we deem acceptable. The prototype I am talking about tonight is the prototype of "beautiful." Where do these prototypes come from, and who is to blame?

I am not sure when I began to compare myself to the girls around me- but I know I have always struggled with it. I went to junior high and high school in a very competitive environment, in a small private school, where cliques were discouraged but were unavoidably created. I was awkward in 7th grade. Super awkward. But then, BAM, one day boys started looking at me in the 8th grade and I instantly became popular. I think that's truly when I began "comparing" myself to other girls. I was completely oblivious when it came to make-up, so at 13 I smothered thick, pink creme eye shadow from Bath and Body Works all over my eyelids and underneath my unruly and untamed eyebrows. I knew I didn't fit in, but for some reason people accepted me.

Next, I entered high school. I grew in prowess as older boys became intereted in me, and both my hair and legs grew longer. Still with the older boy on my arm, I doubted myself and my self-worth. I compared myself to my beautiful, brilliant best friends, and to the students around me. By the end of high school I was a pile of nerves. I was always thinking that someone was more beautiful, talented, or more popular than I, and soon I would be of little to no interest to anyone that saw me as wonderful now.

These thoughts continued and continued, and by the time it reached time for me to leave for Biola, I had little confidence in myself and who I was as a woman of God. Have you ever been to Southern California? The land of the beautiful, lean, and tan. Los Angeles. Beverly Hills. Hollywood. San Diego. Newport Beach. Orange County. The beautiful people dwell here, and I believe this is where we get our prototype of what a beautiful woman is. Southern California is nothing like Redmond, Washington. A hoodie and converse are traded for a skirt and heels, and a ponytail is traded for extensions. Even though Biola is somewhat of a bubble, away from the wealth and shallowness that money brings, Satan seeps in through the cracks to infect our little campus. Being surronded by these beautiful, creative, and unique individuals the act of comparing myself did not get any better-but worse. I felt like I didn't fit in. Here I was leaving my dorm in jeans, Toms, and a fresh face with barely any makeup, while the girl that was right in front of me looked flawless in a dress with curls in her hair and matching heels. I know myself, and I cannot do that. Eventually the novelty of this magical land where the sun always shines wears off, and the reality of the broken society that surronds you becomes much more evident.

We all have one. I know you do. Someone that you compare yourself too, or wish that you could look a little bit more like. Because they are a bit more fit than you, or maybe have skin that is a little more clear than yours. Or maybe, sometimes in my case, you are a bit envious of their clothes. I'll be open and honest with you all, the women I compare myself to are Kristen Bell and Sophia Bush. Crazy right? Most definitely. Gosh, I would kill for Sophia Bush's body or Kristen Bell's hair... but what am I saying when I say something like that? That the body that God blessed me with, or the hairs that God placed individually on my head are not suitable? Or that His Creation is not something to be thankful for, or to praise Him for?

Luckily for me, I am blessed with a man who thinks I am beautiful just the way I am, and would not change a thing about me. Because that would mean that I wasn't Courtney Carney Wallis. When I am unhappy with myself, I insult God's Almighty hands that shaped me and molded me. My journey is still occuring, but everyday, I become more fierce and steadfast- and more confident in who I am as a beautiful woman of Christ.

Christ is our great Reedemer, Truth, and Everlasting Peace. If we try to find joy in things that are not from him, we will come up empty and dry. We can not root our self-worth and confidence in things of this world. These prototypes are always changing, and what is considered beautiful or worthy of "praise" in the world's eyes, could change on a dime. Jesus Christ is our constant. And should be the only true prototype that is the guiding compass for how we view ourselves.

Watch this video - maybe these feelings of inadequecy and comparisons, started way before I entered my awkward years of junior high. This breaks my heart.

Now...Christ-centered women seeking the Lord's heart... Can we break down the lies that are told to women and to young girls? Can we destroy an industry that is built upon lies and insecurities? The reason this industry is thriving is because of our constant feelings of doubt in our appearances and worth. Let's stop this. Let's be a force that redefines beauty. Redefines the prototype for a strong, Christ-like woman.

What does this particular woman look like to you? A woman that seeks approval from man, or from her Lord?